Viola Jokes Competition
March is Viola Month at Givens Violins, and we are celebrating all things Viola…including the jokes! We set up a giveaway to give our audience a chance to show off their favorite viola jokes, after making sure the violists would definitely not be offended! To commemorate all the fun we’ve had, we’re going to post our weekly winning jokes, staff picks, and a good long list of great viola jokes!
Week 1 Winning Joke: Lily Bronson
There was once a violist who sat in the back of the section in a community orchestra. One day after rehearsal, as he was sifting through the storage in the back of the orchestra room, he bumped against an old, musty viola case. To his surprise, out popped a genie!
“Hello!” said the genie. “As the lucky person who has awoken me from my slumber, you are granted three wishes!” The violist was amazed. Never before had he had such luck! “Well, gosh,” he said, “I guess I’m pretty happy with my life, but it does get a little old sitting in the back of the section all the time. For my first wish, I want to be the BEST violist in the community orchestra!” The genie agreed, snapped his fingers, and Poof! He was gone.
The next day, the violist showed up to rehearsal at the community orchestra and discovered that he had been promoted to first chair! His peers were congratulating him on his ability, and the conductor gave him a compliment after rehearsal. It was amazing! The violist had never felt so appreciated, talented, or important. After a couple days of basking in his glory, the violist went back to the musty viola case and summoned the genie again. “Genie,” he said, “I have been loving all of this recognition from my community orchestra, but it’s not enough! I want to be the best violist in the WORLD!” Once again, the genie agreed, and disappeared after snapping his fingers.
The next day, the violist awoke to many emails from major orchestras asking him to come solo with them. Major conservatories were begging him to come be on their faculties. Recording labels were offering him amazing deals to work with him. There were articles about him in music magazines, and the Library of Congress was offering him their Stradivarius viola for free. He was the best and most famous violist in the entire world! The violist lived in this frenzy of glamor and success for a couple of weeks. He travelled the world, made lots of money, met with his adoring fans, and felt like he was the most important violist there had ever been. It was the best two weeks of his life. When he finally settled down enough to remember he still had one wish left from the genie, he didn’t even know what he could ask for! Finally, he summoned the genie again. “I am so happy with my life as the best violist in the world!” he said. “Genie, I don’t even know what to ask for, so please give me whatever could possibly be Better than this!”
The next day, when he woke up, he was the last chair second violinist in the community orchestra.
Week 2 Winning Joke: Anne Welna
The concert is about to begin and the conductor is stuck in traffic…they’re not going to make it. The concert master asks the orchestra if there is anyone who can possibly fill in? The show must go on! The principal violist looks around and, when there are no other volunteers, slowly stands up. I can do it, she says. After a stunning performance, she runs into her stand partner and asks them how they felt it went. It went pretty well, they said, but where were you?
Week 3 Winning Joke: Jacob Crosby
There was once a woman who had auditioned and was accepted into a prestigious orchestra. She played violin, and had been granted a seat in the 2nd violin section. She was shy, and nervous about meeting the other musicians and making friends. Fortunately, the principal violist introduced himself before the first rehearsal, and made her feel welcome. He showed her around the rehearsal space, introduced her to the conductor, and helped her make some new friends. The two musicians got along well, and from that day on, they had a wonderful working friendship. The violinist noticed that her colleague always wore the same suit to every rehearsal and ever concert. Each time, before the orchestra would begin, the principal violist would peek inside his left breast pocket, and then grab his instrument and play. She thought that was odd, and asked the violist about it one day. “We are good friends,” he said, “but you must never ask me about that again. It is a secret.” Naturally, the violinist didn’t want to cause trouble with her good friend. As the years wore on, she became more and more curious about that viola player, his suit coat, and that left breast pocket. Years went by, but the two musicians remained good friends, and did their best to make newcomers feel welcome. But each and every rehearsal, and every concert, the principal violist would check inside his left breast pocket in his coat, before he started to play. Finally, it came time for the Principal Violist to retire. The day of his final concert approached. On the day of the concert, the violinist showed up extra early to make sure she was as prepared as possible to see her friend off. As she arrived to the rehearsal room, she noticed the same old suit coat draped over the Principal Violist’s chair, and he was nowhere in sight! Brimming with curiosity, she knew she would never have another chance to see what was in that left breast pocket. Quietly and quickly, she snuck to the violist’s chair, grabbed the coat, and peeked inside the left breast pocket. Inside, she found a yellowed, tattered note. It read: Viola = left hand, bow = right hand.
Week 4 Winning Joke: John Thomson
The annual convention for viola players was taking place. All the viola players gathered were having a wonderful time sharing tales of their experiences and comparing stories of their various orchestras and conductors. A rumour circulated that there was a very special player in attendance. A virtuoso viola player who could actually play 32nd notes! Astonished, several attendees found this played and asked him (with great respect and reverence) if it were indeed true. “Are you really able to play 32nd notes?” The virtuoso was very affable. “Well yes. It is true. I have worked hard and managed to acquire the skill of playing 32nd notes. Would you like me to play one for you?”
Viola Jokes Entries
- William Primrose was enjoying a well-deserved slice of pie at a local Cafe with some colleagues from the Jacobs School of Music after a Quartet performance one fine Spring Friday evening. Suddenly he dropped his fork, stood up and exclaimed: “Oh no! I left the Amati in the car unlocked! I fear the worst!” Dashing from the Cafe he ran to the car where the door was already ajar. Sure enough, the worst had happened. Inside the car someone had filled the back seat with MORE Viola’s!
- A violist was meeting with some new neighbors one day. The subject of what each person did for work came up to which the violist replied, “I’m a professional musician.” “That’s so cool! What kind of music do you play?” asked the neighbors. “I’m a violist and play classical music,” beamed the violist with pride. Not wanting to let the conversation die, there one of the polite neighbors asked the violist if they had a favorite composer or piece of music. “Of course!” said the violist, but all of a sudden, the violist’s mind went blank from the shock of being put on the spot. “I’m blanking on the name of the piece, but it’s a piano piece by Beethoven.” The neighbor replied, “That’s cool. Maybe I know it. I used to play the piano when I was kid. “The violist enthusiastically nodded. “Maybe you do! It’s the one that starts with the really fast trill!” (Hums opening of für Elise)
- A man went on a safari in darkest Africa with a bunch of other people and some native guides. They traveled on foot, going deep into the jungle where they could hear the screeching of birds and howling of wild cats and other fierce wild animals. After a few days of travel, the man came to notice that there was a constant drumming noise in the background. He asked the leader of the guides what the drumming was. He got no answer, just a stony silence. The drumming continued all day and all night for the next several days. In fact, as they traveled deeper into the jungle the drumming got even louder. He tried again to find out what the drumming meant by asking the other native guides, but he still got no answer. Finally one morning, after days of marching to this drumming (which by now was sounding quite ominous), the drums suddenly stopped. The native guides screamed and ran into the jungle to hide in the undergrowth. The leader remained behind with his charges, but he was trembling with fear. The man asked “What is wrong? Why have the drums stopped?” The native guide replied “Very bad. When drum stops, then comes the viola solo!”
- A few years ago an orchestra was on tour in France. One evening they decided to go find some snails so they could have escargot for dinner. Everybody was given a bag and sent into the vineyards. Gradually everybody came back with their bags filled with snails. All sections were there except the violists, who returned several hours later. The concertmaster asked, “Were have you been for so long and why are your bags empty?” “Well,” they said, “I don’t know how you managed, but it was a disaster. We saw a lot of snails, but they were quick! Just as we went to get them, whoosh…and they were gone!”
- New viola student goes to first lesson and learns the basics 🙂 Teacher is happy. Second lesson; how to hold the bow and read the alto clef. Teacher super happy and proud! Third lesson, student misses. Fourth lesson, no show. Oh well, thinks the teacher, he is gone! Next month he runs with the former viola student in the street and asks him why he stopped coming to lessons! The students says: Too busy gigging around 🙂
- Why is viola called “bratsche” in Germany? Because that’s the sound it makes when you sit down on it
- How many violists does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies? Ten. One to stir the batter and nine to peel the M & M’s
- What separates the violists from the animals? A: The second violins.
- Why did the violist marry the accordion player? Upward mobility.
- Why did the Stokowski Shift produce the most popular Symphonic seating we see today? Because it made it easiest for the director to hide the violists.
- Question: What’s the difference between a viola player and a large pepperoni pizza? Answer: The pizza can feed a family of four.
- Whats the only thing that separates violists from the apes? The 2nd violin section
- How will a violist’s brain cell die? Alone.
- There was once a violist who sat in the back of the section in a community orchestra. One day after rehearsal, as he was sifting through the storage in the back of the orchestra room, he bumped against an old, musty viola case. To his surprise, out popped a genie! “Hello!” said the genie. “As the lucky person who has awoken me from my slumber, you are granted three wishes!” The violist was amazed. Never before had he had such luck! “Well, gosh,” he said, “I guess I’m pretty happy with my life, but it does get a little old sitting in the back of the section all the time. For my first wish, I want to be the BEST violist in the community orchestra!” The genie agreed, snapped his fingers, and Poof! He was gone. The next day, the violist showed up to rehearsal at the community orchestra and discovered that he had been promoted to first chair! His peers were congratulating him on his ability, and the conductor gave him a compliment after rehearsal. It was amazing! The violist had never felt so appreciated, talented, or important. After a couple days of basking in his glory, the violist went back to the musty viola case and summoned the genie again. “Genie,” he said, “I have been loving all of this recognition from my community orchestra, but it’s not enough! I want to be the best violist in the WORLD!” Once again, the genie agreed, and disappeared after snapping his fingers. The next day, the violist awoke to many emails from major orchestras asking him to come solo with them. Major conservatories were begging him to come be on their faculties. Recording labels were offering him amazing deals to work with him. There were articles about him in music magazines, and the Library of Congress was offering him their Stradivarius viola for free. He was the best and most famous violist in the entire world! The violist lived in this frenzy of glamor and success for a couple of weeks. He travelled the world, made lots of money, met with his adoring fans, and felt like he was the most important violist there had ever been. It was the best two weeks of his life. When he finally settled down enough to remember he still had one wish left from the genie, he didn’t even know what he could ask for! Finally, he summoned the genie again. “I am so happy with my life as the best violist in the world!” he said. “Genie, I don’t even know what to ask for, so please give me whatever could possibly be Better than this!”
- The next day, when he woke up, he was the last chair second violinist in the community orchestra.
- What’s the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
- How do you get a violist to play flying spiccato? Give them a double whole note and mark it “solo.”
- What is a dead giveaway that a person telling a joke is a violist? Their humor is offbeat.
- Violists are violinists who understand that size matters. Cellists are violinists trying to compensate. They’re always showing off the instrument between their legs. Bassists? Let’s not even go there. And when you think about it, aren’t the first violins the castrati of the string world?
- Six Viola Movies We’ll Never See: 1) Die Hard: “Resurrection of the Viola Player”, music by Tristan Schulze, performed by a choir of auditioning violists 2) The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Pro Violist edition, directed by Carl Stamitz 3) Terminator: Darkest Fate, starring Arnold Der Schwanendreher 4) Lost in Transposition, Bill Murray principal violist 5) Groundhog Day: Viola Sectionals 5) Gone with the Winds, music by Anthony Plog featuring “Four Miniatures for Viola and Wind Quintet”
- Why did the violist get arrested? He got in treble when he got high.
- What’s the difference between a video game addict and a dyslexic violist? Nothing. They both love their Tetris.
- Why did the Stokowski Shift produce the most popular Symphonic seating we see today? Because it made it easiest for the director to hide the violists.
- I hate to break it to you, violists, but there’s a reason the stop signs in Central America say “ALTO”.
- What’s the difference between first stand and last stand violist? About a half step!
- Why does Wednesday Addams play the cello? Because viola is too ghastly.
- One day the last chair violist of the Bemidji Philharmonic stumbles upon a lamp and out pops a Minnesotan Genie! He says “Oh dontcha know I fer sure can grant ye three wishes!” For the first wish, this violist wishes to be a better musician and the genie says “Ope! Drive safe now and be sure to watch out fer deer!” and the violist’s skills have dramatically improved. The next year the principal viola position opens up in Bemidji and the violist wins the job! After a few years, our violist decides it’s time to use the next wish and again wishes to be a better musician still. The genie says “Ope! Be sure to tell yer folks I says hi now!” and the violist’s skills once again dramatically improve. The next year there is a posting for Principal Viola of the Berlin Philharmonic and our Bemidji violist wins the top job in the world! After a few more years our violist decides it’s time to use the final wish. Our violist once again wishes to be a better musician. The genie says “Ope! I hope ye still like the taste o’ tater tot hot dish!” and the violist’s skills improve dramatically for the last time…and our violist is now back at home in the back of the second violin section of the Bemidji Philharmonic.
- Why did the Viola swim across the ocean? To find his C String!!!
